One Small Step
(Reprinted with permission from LOST & FOUND ON LANA’I: The Trials & Transformation of One New Yorker Living in Paradise, 1995, by Marcia Zina Mager)
The other day, in the midst of one of my OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-AM-I-DOING-WITH-MY-LIFE fits, I stumbled across this incredibly profound quote from the wise educator/philosopher Joseph Campbell:
"You've got to let go of the life you've planned," he said, "to live the life that's waiting for you..."
Wow.
The only problem with that precious nugget of universal wisdom is that I'm really not so crazy about "letting go." I tend to get a whole bucketful of butterflies in my stomach when it comes to the whole concept of "change." And that's what I think he's really talking about: letting go of our safe, comfortable goals and ideals to pursue what fires our soul; following our bliss, reaching for that passionate possibility in life, going the distance for our very own "field of dreams."
It sounds so wonderful. Yet I know, at least for me, the gap between the IDEA of following my bliss and the REALITY of reaching for what my soul truly desires is a very, very wide and frightening abyss.
It's not that I don't like the IDEA of, say, traveling to exotic places, for instance. But boarding that plane and saying good-bye to the people (and pets) I love makes my eyes moisten (and my palms drip with sweat!). I love the IDEA of risk and adventure: Marcia, the pioneer woman, zooming across the outback in her battered jeep; or Marcia, the femme fatale leaping out of airplanes. But strap me to a parachute to begin ground practice or point out the scorpion crawling up my sleeve and I'm sure I would turn white as toilet paper and faint dead away.
I hate to admit it but I guess when push comes to shove regarding those big "follow your bliss" kind of changes, I find myself wanting to crawl underneath my cozy down blanket, hoping "the life that's waiting for me" will wonder where I disappeared to and just go away.
So I'm asking, what is it about "letting go" and "change" that's so scary? Why is it when you know something needs to change, should change, oughta change, wants to change, it's still so hard to do it. Take those of us who really want to go on consistent exercise programs. We think about it, read about it, watch shows about it, make New Year's resolutions about it. But in the end, well, we just can't seem to do it. Or those people who want to give up smoking. Or the ones who want to end a relationship that's no longer healthy for them. Or those that really want to quit their job, go on safari, or write that novel that's been brewing inside them for so many years. We just can't seem to get around to it.
One reason, I think, that letting go and making changes is so difficult is because it forces us to walk outside that cuddly little "comfort zone." You know, that invisible circle we live inside of where the temperature is just a bit too warm and we're just a bit too sluggish, but when we think about taking a step outside it, well, all of a sudden, STAR TREK reruns seem awfully inviting.
Familiarity and comfort are strong draws for most of us. Take that away, even for a little while, and you're left with the one thing that nobody wants -- pain. The pain of loss, of loneliness, of isolation. And that's why I think "letting go of the life you've planned" is so hard. Because it brings up all those long ago pains and disappointments; the ones from childhood when letting go and making changes actually threatened our well-being and survival. The body remembers those things, even if the mind doesn't. All those gut-wrenching times when pets were lost, or grandparents died, or parents didn't come home, or best friends moved away. Put enough of those childhood `letting gos' together and you've got a grown up body that is dead set against the whole fool notion of change.
What's the answer then? Giving up and becoming an armchair traveler to gaze longingly at National Geographic? Walking away from those life-long passions and dreams by turning on the tube to live vicariously through the brave characters on the latest movie-of-the-week?
No. I don't think so.
Passion fuels our existence. Without dreams and possibilities, who are we? The light that shines in the eyes of someone who has tried and succeeded is too beautiful a light for me to turn my back on. Even if I am frightened. Even if my grown-up mind freaks out, screaming at me, no, you can't do that, it's too risky, too scary, too terribly unfamiliar.
I believe in what Joseph Campbell said. It may not be easy to embrace his wisdom, but I've got to keep trying. There's a life out there waiting for me. I can feel it. Sometimes on quiet mornings, I can hear it whispering. "Take one small step today," it beckons, "that's all you have to do."
